I could stand here for hours just to ask God the question "Is everyone here make-believe?"

I am sitting here drowning in self-pity because all my friends are away or busy and I have no plans. I've got the same Mayday Parade song on repeat and it's an absolutely beautiful song with beautiful lyrics, but it's just making me feel worse about everything because of the way I've been lately.

Sometimes I have all these emotions built up inside of me for no apparent reason and they’re indescribable. I don’t even know what emotions they are. I just feel this way that I can’t describe and it makes me want to cry. I’m not even sure what it is, it’s just this feeling in my gut. I wish I knew what it is that makes me feel this way. You could say I'm in a state of alexithymia, except this is short-term. I hate feeling like this on top of having my mother yell at me along with K telling me how one of her friends is perfect for her except for the height difference. I just want a boyfriend or something because I'm jealous of all of my friends that have someone to love, but that doesn't have anything to do with this. And I want my mom to stop nagging me about finding a prom date when prom is four or five months away, but that has nothing to do with this either.

I just want to be happy but apparently that’s too much to ask.

And I'll be here by the ocean
Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams
All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes
And every wave drags me to sea
I could stand here for hours
Just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"
With a tear in His voice, He said, "Son, that's the question.
Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?"

We've been living life inside a bubble.

It's been so long since I last wrote a blog. This has been such a busy month with homework and gigs for my A Capella group and the Christmas Concert and a bunch of other stuff. I haven't had much extra time to do stuff and yeah. The gigs have been taking up my weekends since the beginning of December and my school's traditional Christmas Concert was on Thursday so we had a bunch of rehearsals for that outside of school and homework was being packed on with no mercy.

I've been late to school every day for the past two weeks because I wasn't getting enough sleep so I couldn't get up in the mornings and it's really stressful. On Thursday when I walked into the office to sign in late, the school counselor was there talking to the receptionist and she started talking to me while the receptionist was getting something for her. She asked me if I had a rough morning and I said yes, and she asked me if my mom brought me and I said no (because my dad brought me). The receptionist listened to this conversation and ended up giving me an excused absence which I thought was really nice. I went to go see the the school counselor again later in the day and told her that I haven't been getting more than five hours of sleep a night for the past few weeks and she let me take a nap in her office. I was only supposed to take a 20 minute power nap but I ended up sleeping for an hour and a half because she hates waking people up. I got to miss half of Chemistry class for taking a nap though. It was seriously the best thing ever. She's an amazing person and she helps me soooo much and she's so unbelievably nice. I don't know where I would be if Ms. N hadn't suggested that I go talk to her that one time last year. Seriously though.

Tonight I went on a holiday tour of the White House with my school's Gay-Straight Alliance. We waited in line for over an hour and we were only inside for 20-30 minutes, which was kind of disappointing. The teachers that chaperoned were awesome and really laid back which made the trip that much more fun. We had a total of less than ten people so it was pretty easy to have fun together. It was so much fun, and I'm glad I went.

I'm thinking about college right now and which ones I want to go visit. I only know of two so far and I have to have a solid list ready in two months so that my dad can plan college visits over spring break. asdfgjkl I don't want to think about college yet. I love my high school but I also can't wait to get out of the house. I'm having fun with the people I'm around but I also don't want to have to come home every day. I feel like I'm living this split life where I love it here but also hate it here as well. It's true though--I love it here. I love everything about it; I love the people and the places and the familiarity of it all. I love being able to walk to the drugstore down the street and get milkshakes with J on hot summer days, and when they're closed, walk two miles to the Rita's across town and not have to worry about anything. What I hate is coming home to my house. I can't wait to go to college for that reason and that reason alone. A lot of my teachers tell me that I will absolutely love college, and I believe them 100%. I'm just so worried about picking the right one for me. I'm scared that I'll miss it here so much. I've never gotten homesick--ever. I don't think I will get homesick when I go off to college. I think I'm more afraid of getting hometown sick. I will definitely miss this place.

I hate feeling like this.