I can tell just what you want, you don't want to be alone.

This is a blog that I wrote yesterday (11-28-2010) but never got a chance to publish. It’s short.

I finished watching a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie called “November Christmas” not long ago. It was a super cute yet sad movie. It ended happily but I still cried like a baby all throughout it. I love movies like that though. They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside (and as cliché as that sounds, it true).

Tonight I saw K one last time before she went back to college and gave her massive bear hugs. I haven’t hugged anyone in a long time so it felt really nice to just hug someone so tightly and have them hug back even tighter.

I found a song called “What You Know” by Two Door Cinema Club. It’s a cute song and I looooove it and I think that anyone who is reading this should listen to it. (:

We can live forever if you've got the time.

Thanksgiving was a wreck. But holidays with my parents always are. I’m not even going to go into this one. All I’m going to say is that we were supposed to go to New Jersey and we never went (which kills me).

My Chemical Romance’s new album has been out for a week now and I just listened to it for the first time today. It’s absolutely amazing. I love it so so so so much.

I've spent the past 6 hours trying to teach my mom how to use an ipod touch. It's getting slightly annoying.

My computer is infected with the Trojan Horse virus so I'm having a really hard time trying to do my back history homework. My teacher will get mad at me if I tell her my computer had a virus because I've had weeks to send this thing to her. She hates excuses so she's probably not going to like this one. I might just not even tell her.

I’m seeing K tomorrow. She’s having a surprise party, which is why I couldn’t say what I was doing on Saturday, but her mom spilled the beans so she knows. I’m so excited to see her though. We’ve been talking almost nonstop for three weeks and she’s helped me so much and I’ve missed her tons.

Speaking of K, this is an excerpt from one of our conversations. It made me laugh a lot.

K: “So my mom bought me a hookah…it’s blue and it’s sitting on my shelf in my room…”

Me: “I wish my mom would do something like that.”

K: “buy a hookah? Um…”

Me: “I don’t know. I just wish she didn’t always have a pole up her ass and would occasionally do something crazy like buy a hookah.”

K: “A pole? How about the fucking washington monument.”

I love people that understand my life. And yes, her mom actually did buy her a hookah while she was off at college. We're turning it into a lamp one day over Christmas break. It will be epic.

I'm feeling a bunch of mixed emotions at the moment. In one sense, I feel like I'm enjoying my life for the first time in a long while, but another part of me knows that this feeling will be extremely short-lived. Who knows, I'm probably just really tired and need sleep. Hopefully I'll wake up and tomorrow will be a (mostly) good day.

No this is never what I wanted, never what I thought I'd signed up for

Tonight is one of those nights where you just want to curl up in a ball and do nothing but listening to your favorite song as loud as your headphones or speakers can go. It feels like a Friday and my eyes are red and puffy from crying and my parents and I aren’t exactly on talking grounds. It was awkward because I wanted to watch my favorite tv show but I had to watch it in the same room as my mom because my dad was using the other tv. We didn’t speak. Once it was over I got out of there. Why I’m not speaking to them is a totally different story altogether.

My history teacher is worried about my grade so she sent comments to my parents in the mail. I understand her concern and all but she basically ruined my life. I stopped telling my parents about things for a reason, and now that she told them everything I didn’t want them to know, we haven’t said anything to each other. My parents came into my psychologist’s office with me this evening and read the letter. Like yes I had a rough patch but I worked my ass off on an assignment that was due yesterday because I knew I needed a good grade. But now my parents think I'm irresponsible and bratty and everything that I’ve tried to avoid for the past year. Honestly, I need a break from my parents and I made it clear to them that I wasn’t telling them about stuff for a reason and that I hate my tutor and I just want to deal with this one on my own. No success with that one but whatever. I cried the entire time I was at my psychologist’s office, even after my parents left the room half way through. My psychologist said it was only a bump in the road and I’ll pull through it. My dad said he acknowledged that, but my mom had a look on her face like she disagreed with this. Congrats mom. You made me feel like shit, as usual.

Good things: Thanksgiving is on Thursday and I'm going to New Jersey for it; I’m seeing Harry Potter on Friday with A whom I haven’t seen in forever; the thing on Saturday; school on Monday, and I can’t wait to finally get away from my parents again.

I need to get out of the house as much as possible during my time off. After tonight, it’s not even an option anymore.

Take full weight of me, guard my dreams, figure this out, it's me on my own.

I have a ton of homework due tomorrow. I haven't even started my history work and it's a major assignment that's going to take me a good 2 hours. I can't do it during lunch because 1. I have history first period and 2. I have to do a crap load of photo homework during lunch. My hair is getting long and the t-shirt I'm wearing is a size too big for me and my dad wants to leave for school at 7:00 am tomorrow morning because he's going to my school's blood drive at 7:15. I still need to write my essay for my England exchange application and my feet are freezing right now. I also really wanted to paint my nails this weekend but I couldn't find the time to. Bahhh I can't wait for Wednesday.

I don't want a break from school though. Note, though, that there is a difference between wanting a break from school and wanting a break from homework. I need a break from homework. It's eating away at me and making me really bitchy towards everyone. I gave my psychologist such a hard time on Wednesday. I think part of it was because of homework making me touchy, and the other part of it was that I wanted (and kind of needed) her to see how unhappy I was/am. I'm not able to finish any of my homework and I have no self confidence and I'm just downright mean, and all she could say was "I'm sorry, I wish I could help you." She didn't even attempt to give me any advice, but I digress. I don't want a break from school because I love the people there. I just need a break from the rest of my life (parents and homework).

In history tomorrow we are having a round table. My history teacher wants me to start because she said I didn't talk a lot during the debate we had on Tuesday. I am often scared to talk because I'm afraid that I'll say something that's wrong or that never happened and everyone will point out that I'm incorrect and make a big deal out of it. My teacher keeps telling me to practice what I want to say in a mirror. While I understand that she's trying to help me by giving me advice, I hate practicing in mirrors. When I practice in a mirror I am looking directly at myself and I notice everything I say and the way I say it and the way that my mouth moves when I say it and my facial expressions when I say it and everything else you can think of. I notice my faults more easily and I'm a lot harder on myself about them. I hate staring at myself in the mirror because I don't think I'm very pretty and this just makes it worse. So while I appreciate my teacher's efforts in trying to give me good advice, the advice she gave me isn't very helpful.

On the plus side, Thanksgiving is on Thursday and I'm going to New Jersey to have Thanksgiving with my "Jersey cousins" because my cousin is home from Afghanistan for two weeks and my dad wants to see his brother (my uncle). I'm also seeing Harry Potter on Friday (hopefully) with A and going to something on Saturday (I'll post what it is after Saturday). We also have a dress down day on Tuesday at school. I just have to figure out what to wear and I'll be set.

I hope my photo teacher forgets about the four page spread that's due tomorrow, considering I haven't started it yet.

And I just can't keep living this way.

I was sitting in Spanish today and my Spanish teacher wants us to correct each other’s mistakes and I understand why she wants us to do it but it makes class seem like a competition to see who can correct the most mistakes. Some girls in my class almost seem like they’re trying to be show-offs and correct as many mistakes as they can. The teacher won’t give us hints or prompts or anything if we get something wrong, she just says “That is wrong” and prompts the rest of the class to correct whatever was wrong. She only gives you extra credit on class activities if you don’t make any mistakes. I feel like it’s so unfair because you can put so much effort into something and if you make one tiny mistake you get shot down and embarrassed in front of the entire class. I hate it so much. I mean don’t get me wrong, the teacher is extremely nice but I hate how she teaches. It’s unfair and hurtful and just plain mean.

To be quite honest, I think I need more help than I’m asking for right now. Last week my psychologist and I talked about having one bad day and how it’s different from having a bad day every day. Last Monday was a really shitty day and I got really depressed but the feeling hasn’t gone away. I’m unhappy with myself and my life and I’m the exact same way I was my freshman year. It kills me because I tried so hard not to be that person and I hate it. Not to mention two of my teachers have now shot me down, whether through email or in front of the entire class and it hurts. I don’t know if I can deal with it much longer. Yes I have other people to help me with the academic aspect of things, but it doesn’t help me at all if I don’t put any effort into the work I do because I have no self-confidence.

Sit back and tell me why I'm so prone to this

I wish this blog wasn't as depressing as it looks. I want to be happy, but happy is the last thing I am right now. I hate being stuck in this vicious cycle of tearing myself down over and over again. I want to feel like I'm good at something, or at least like I can do something right for once in my life. I don't want to let people down the way I have in the past. Only right now, I've already let down so many people and it kills me to know that they are disappointed in me. I'm going back to the way I used to be and I hate it. It's taken me so long to rebuild myself and I don't want to have to do it again. I just wish I could have faith in myself the way that other people do. People constantly tell me that they believe in me, and I appreciate it so much and I love them for it, but it doesn't mean anything if I don't believe in myself. I just want to be the person that I was six months ago. Nothing more, nothing less. I just want to be happy again.

The choices that we make, the smiles that we fake

My week went something like this:

Monday:
Worst day of the week number one. I fell into the same old habits I had during my freshman year of being late to school, having my dad yell at me the entire car ride to school, walking into first period crying and being morbidly embarrassed because of it, getting an academic for not finishing a history essay, not doing all of my history homework over the weekend, feeling depressed, blah blah blah the list just keeps going on. Only thing that you could even twist a bit to call a pro was that I wasn't alone in academic detention. Another girl was there and we emailed the entire time. It was alright.

Tuesday:
Okay day. Learned a new phrase from my favorite teacher: "I'm off like a dirty shirt.". Saw my psychologist today. Told her everything that happened on Monday and we talked about what it was like to relive my freshman year over the course of a day. She made me feel a bit better, which was good.

Wednesday:
NEW YORK with the photo 2s, 3s, and APs, and the Studio Art 3s and 4/APs. Only cons were having to be on the bus at 6:30 in the morning and getting home at 10:45 at night and not being able to study for my Chem test the next day. Other than that it was SO MUCH FUN.

Thursday:
Okay day. I was able to convince my chemistry teacher to let me take me Chem test on Friday after school as opposed to Thursday during class because I got home from New York really late on Wednesday night. Thank goodness for that. Pro was that we got to go to Bonjour for hot dogs and Crepes. Con was that the Ravens lost to the Falcons. It was a sloppy game, they were all over the place and just didn't play well that night.

Friday:
Worst day of the week number two. My dad got mad at me on Friday morning and as a result he made me walk to school. So I got to school 20 minutes late but the secretary who writes the late passes was super nice and gave me an excused absence because my parents didn't tell me until 7:45 that they were making me walk to school. I also had to take a math test and my Chem test today. One con in addition to having to walk to school with a 20 pound backpack on my back was that after finishing my Chem test at 5:15, I was totally wiped and was only able to get my Spanish homework done at school.

Saturday:
Good day. Went to The Book Thing of Baltimore and got a bunch of free books. Now the hard part will be choosing one to use for my altered books project for my photography class (note that the project actually has nothing to do with photo, I'm not exactly sure why we're doing it but it sounds kind of fun so yeah). Then my parents and I went to lunch at this cute little restaurant in an area that I can't remember the name of at the moment. I took some cute photos and such. I also found a website that has free Gin Rummy. I love that card game. I live card games in general and I wish my friends want to play them more often. Only con was that I got absolutely no work done. Whoops.

The choices that we make, the smiles that we fake

This is a recap of my week because I really wanted to blog every day this week but sadly I never found the time to.

Monday:
Worst day of the week number one. I fell into the same old habits I had during my freshman year of being late to school, having my dad yell at me the entire car ride to school, walking into first period crying and being morbidly embarrassed because of it, getting an academic for not finishing a history essay, not doing all of my history homework over the weekend, feeling depressed, blah blah blah the list just keeps going on. Only thing that you could even twist a bit to call a pro was that I wasn't alone in academic detention. Another girl was there and we emailed the entire time. It was alright.

Tuesday:
Okay day. Learned a new phrase from my favorite teacher: "I'm off like a dirty shirt.". Saw my psychologist today. Told her everything that happened on Monday and we talked about what it was like to relive my freshman year over the course of a day. She made me feel a bit better, which was good.

Wednesday:
NEW YORK with the photo 2s, 3s, and APs, and the Studio Art 3s and 4/APs. Only cons were having to be on the bus at 6:30 in the morning and getting home at 10:45 at night and not being able to study for my Chem test the next day. Other than that it was SO MUCH FUN.

Thursday:
Okay day. I was able to convince my chemistry teacher to let me take me Chem test on Friday after school as opposed to Thursday during class because I got home from New York really late on Wednesday night. Thank goodness for that. Pro was that we got to go to Bonjour for hot dogs and Crepes. Con was that the Ravens lost to the Falcons. It was a sloppy game, they were all over the place and just didn't play well that night.

Friday:
Worst day of the week number two. My dad got mad at me on Friday morning and as a result he made me walk to school. So I got to school 20 minutes late but the secretary who writes the late passes was super nice and gave me an excused absence because my parents didn't tell me until 7:45 that they were making me walk to school. I also had to take a math test and my Chem test today. One con in addition to having to walk to school with a 20 pound backpack on my back was that after finishing my Chem test at 5:15, I was totally wiped and was only able to get my Spanish homework done at school. Boo.

Saturday:
Good day. Went to The Book Thing of Baltimore and got a bunch of free books. Now the hard part will be choosing one to use for my altered books project for my photography class (note that the project actually has nothing to do with photo, I'm not exactly sure why we're doing it but it sounds kind of fun so yeah). Then my parents and I went to lunch at this cute little restaurant in an area that I can't remember the name of at the moment. I took some cute photos and such. I also found a website that has free Gin Rummy. I love that card game. I live card games in general and I wish my friends want to play them more often. Only con was that I got absolutely no work done. Whoops.

There you are sitting in the garden clutching my coffee, calling me sugar

Random questionaire.

[ ] i am a boy.
[x] i am a girl.
[x] i am shorter than 5’4.
[x] i think i’m ugly sometimes.
[x] i have many scars.
[ ] i tan easily.
[x] i wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] i have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] i have a tattoo.
[x] i am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] i wear glasses.
[ ] i would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] i’ve been told i’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] i have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] i have piercing in places besides my ears.
[ ] i have freckles.

family/home life
[x] i’ve sworn at my parents.
[x] i’ve run away from home.
[x] i’ve been kicked out of the house.
[ ] i have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] i want to have kids someday.
[ ] i’ve lost a child.

school/work
[x] i’m in school.
[ ] i have a job.
[x] i’ve fallen asleep at work/school.
[x] i almost always do/did my homework.
[x] i’ve missed a week or more of school.
[x] i’ve been on the honor roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] i failed more than 1 class last year.
[ ] i’ve stolen something from my job.

embarrassment
[x] i’ve slipped out an “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] i’ve peed from laughing.
[x] i’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] i’ve laughed so hard i’ve cried.
[x] i’ve glued my hand to something.
[ ] i’ve had my pants rip in public.

health
[ ] i was born with a disease/impairment
[ ] i’ve gotten stitches/staples.
[ ] i’ve broken a bone.
[ ] i’ve had my tonsils removed.
[ ] i’ve sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.
[ ] i’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] i had a serious surgery.
[ ] i’ve had chicken pox.
[ ] i’ve had measles.

traveling
[x] i’ve driven over 200 miles in one day.
[x] i’ve been on a plane.
[ ] i’ve been to canada.
[ ] i’ve been to mexico.
[ ] i’ve been to niagara falls.
[ ] i’ve been to japan.
[ ] i’ve celebrated mardi gras in new orleans.
[x] i’ve been to europe.
[ ] i’ve been to africa.

experiences
[ ] i’ve gotten lost in my city.
[x] i’ve seen a shooting star.
[x] i’ve wished on a shooting star.
[ ] i’ve seen a meteor shower.
[x] i’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] i’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[ ] i’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
[ ] i’ve been to a casino.
[ ] i’ve been skydiving.
[x] i’ve gone skinny dipping.
[x] i’ve played spin the bottle.
[ ] i’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[x] i’ve crashed a car.
[x] i’ve been skiing.
[x] i’ve been in a play.
[ ] i’ve met someone in person from myspace.
[x] i’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] i’ve seen the northern lights.
[ ] i’ve sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] i’ve played chicken.
[x] i’ve played a prank on someone.
[x] i’ve ridden in a taxi.
[ ] i’ve seen the rocky horror picture show.
[x] i’ve eaten sushi.
[ ] i’ve been snowboarding.

relationships
[x] i’m single.
[ ] i’m in a relationship.
[ ] i’m engaged.
[ ] i’m married.
[ ] i’ve gone on a blind date.
[x] i’ve been the dumped more than the dumper.
[x] i miss someone right now.
[x] i have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] i’ve gotten divorced.
[x] i’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] i’ve told someone i loved them when i didn’t.
[x] i’ve told someone i didn’t love them when i did.
[x] i’ve kept something from a past relationship.
[ ] i’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] i’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] i am a cuddler.
[x] i’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] i’ve hugged a stranger.
[ ] i have kissed a stranger.

honesty/crime
[x] i’ve done something i promised someone else i wouldn’t.
[x] i’ve done something i promised myself i wouldn’t.
[x] i’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] i have lied to my parents about where i am.
[x] i am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] i’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] i’ve cheated on a test.
[ ] i’ve run a red light.
[ ] i’ve been suspended from school.
[x] i’ve witnessed a crime.
[x] i’ve witnessed a fist fight.
[ ] i’ve been arrested.

drugs/alcohol
[x] i’ve consumed alcohol.
[ ] i regularly drink.
[ ] i’ve passed out from drinking.
[ ] i have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[ ] i’ve smoked weed.
[x] i’ve taken painkillers when i didn’t need them.
[ ] i’ve eaten shrooms.
[ ] i’ve popped e.
[ ] i’ve inhaled nitrous.
[ ] i’ve done hard drugs.
[x] i have cough drops when i’m not sick.
[x] i can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[x] i have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[ ] i have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.

[x] i have been diagnosed with one or more psychological disorder.
[x] i shut others out when i’m depressed.
[x] i take anti-depressants.
[ ] i have been anorexic or bulimic.
[x] i’ve slept an entire day when i didn’t need it.
[x] i’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[x] i’ve woken up crying.

death and suicide
[x] i’m afraid of dying.
[ ] i hate funerals.
[x] i’ve seen someone dying.
[x] someone close to me has committed suicide.
[x] i’ve planned my own suicide.
[x] i’ve attempted suicide.
[x] i’ve written a eulogy for myself.

materialism
[ ] i own over 5 rap cds.
[x] i own an ipod or mp3 player.
[ ] i have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] i own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[x] i own something from hot topic.
[x] i own something from pac sun.
[x] i have collect comic books.
[x] i own something from the gap.
[x] i own something i got on e-bay.
[ ] i own something from abercrombie.

random
[x] i can sing well.
[ ] i’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] i open up to others easily.
[x] i watch the news.
[ ] i don’t kill bugs.
[x] i hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[ ] i curse regularly.
[x] i sing in the shower.
[ ] i am a morning person.
[ ] i paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[x] i’m a snob about grammar.
[x] i am a sports fanatic.
[x] i twirl my hair.
[x] i have “x”s in my screen name.
[x] i love being neat.
[ ] i love spam.
[x] i’ve copied more than 30 cd’s in a day.
[x] i bake well.
[x] my favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue.
[x] i’ve worn pajamas to school.
[ ] i like martha stewart.
[ ] i know how to shoot a gun.
[x] i am in love with love.
[x] i am guilty of typing like this.
[x] i laugh at my own jokes.
[x] i eat fast food weekly.
[x] i believe in ghosts.
[ ] i am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[ ] i’ve not turned anything in and still got an a in a certain class.
[x] i can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] i am really ticklish.
[x] i like white chocolate.
[x] i bite my nails.
[x] i play video games.
[x] i’m good at remembering names.
[ ] i’m good at remembering dates.
[x] i have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life.